You Know What THEY say, They Are Not Making Any More Of It!!!

 

I assume you’ve heard this before. No? And who the fuck is THEY? I thought it was the lord almighty that created it. What I’m babbling about is land. And JB as of late got a hankering for some. My most beautiful and ultra intelligent wife would ask, “why in the fuck do you need land and what are going to do with it?”

 

Short answer, Whatever I Want!!! Below is a short list of other thoughts on what to do with my acreage.

 

Pass said land onto my children.

Start a fire. A BIG FIRE!!!

Shinrun-Yoku. Look it up lazy bastards, and you are welcome!!!

Hike.

Camp.

Climb trees.

Build a tree house.

Chop down trees. (With an ax and chain saw)

Shoot guns.

Star gaze.

Howl at moon.

Bird watch.

Roam property sans clothing.

Pee freely.

Get away from crazy world.

Hide from upcoming civil war. (I wish this was a joke)

Build a shipping container house.

Hunt for my own food.

Not worry about a damn thing. Or give a fuck about shit.

Ride on my side by side.

Ride on my skid steer.

Ride on my snow mobile.

Dig with my mini excavator. (bury cell phone)

Do adult things with always questioning wife. (occasionally)

Share and make memories with family and friends. (watch them bury their cell phones)

Drink good drinks.

Eat good food.

Cookout.

Enjoy the creatures that share the land with me. Deer, squirrels, porcupines skunks, chipmunks, occasional bear and hopefully a Moose!!!

 

Ohhhhh and most importantly, be sooooo in the moment that I forget that I ever had a worry or care in the world.

 

What are your wants? Needs? What would make your world better? Just having these written thoughts and sharing may be all I'll ever need. Because these are the things that consume and spark my mind when I not worrying or catastrophizing about uncontrollable and seemingly trivial things.

 

With that said, I apologize to my present neighbors if they happen to see me peeing off our dock. In my mind I’m in a dream that I'm among god’s creatures relieving myself on my vast imaginary property.

Lastly, my nights will never be the same without you Sush, when you were younger you wanted to fight and play all night and as you slowly aged you found new ways to attach yourself to my underarm, back, stomach and crotch while I attempted to sleep. RIP sweet little girl we will always miss you. 

 

God Called, JB Did Not Answer!!!

Let’s go on another adventure into the future and visit a young JB at 9 years old. The setting is Oneco Elementary 4^th grade classroom. My teacher this year was Mrs. Allran. I would describe her as an older lady, I’m guessing at the time late 60’s. She also was permanently in a wheelchair, so maybe Allroll would have been a better last name. I kid!!!  I would describe myself at this time as a shy chubby kid that for the most part kept to myself and was very polite to my elders, especially those with authority. I’m sure if you asked my mother, she would describe me in another light. My guess is annoying oldest kid “allegedly” whose first language is spewing sarcasm. Once again, only a guess.

 

Any who, Mrs. Allran took a liking to me early on in 4^th grade and dare I say I was her favoritous kid ever. I know that’s not a word, but it should be!!! Just about every week I would be chosen as citizen of the week, much the chagrin of all the other poor 4^th grade fucks in my class. It got to the point that she would tell me and my mother that I was special and was destined for great things. She would even go as far as telling me that God would be calling on me because I was his miracle. At first, I just thought Mrs. Allran was going senile and thought I was Jesus and not Jason. I mean both names have 5 letters starting with a J and have Ss in them. Easy mistake to make right? Regardless, it was a bit uncomfortable being the chosen one and all, but I kind of dug it. Until it finally it was made perfectly clear that my dear teacher’s goal for me was that of a higher calling. That’s right folks, she thought that I was destined to be at least priest, maybe a cardinal, or hell maybe even Pope JB!!! HOLY SHIT!!! This realization brought me off my cloud quickly and back to normal 4^th grader JB really quick. Seriously, I haven’t even seen a live female breast yet. How can I think about being a man of the cloth.

 

Mrs. Allran was not aware of my dark side. At the ripe age of 7 I was already sticking the leftover toothpicks from the samples at Grand Union in loaves of bread. That had to ruin some family’s pasta night. Not exactly how God would dispose of his toothpick. But you know, Thug Life Bitches!!! Also, if Mrs. Allran knew in a few more years I’d be driving my drunk dad around town her, and God would probably frown upon this for sure. You know what, Pops needs to get to work and young JB gonna make it happen God. You know what I sayin???

 

As you can see, a split in the path was given to young JB and he had a choice. Path to the right, maybe someday Popedom and ultimately Heaven. Path to the left, sarcasm, gaslighting, worry, anxiousness, fear and maybe a few boobies. Mrs. Allran for me it was a tough choice, let god know JB Ain’t Home!!!

 

Love you Peeps!!!!

 

Plenty o' fucking questions!!!

Why did I disappear for an entire year from blog land???

Has my typing, use of punctuation or grammar in general gotten any more better???

How have I managed to become so fucking fat while I've been gone???

How is it possible that my running partner weighs exactly 100 pounds less than me???

Is it possible to run a half marathon and full marathon on consecutive days if you only train once a week???

Will I continue to use the word fuck in every third sentence???

Do I have OCD problem with the number 3, which may explain my odd use of ??? After every???

Am I still running??? And... If so, have I experienced the "brown mile" yet???

All this and much fucking less, will be explained soon!!!

Til then R.I.P. Run In Peace!!!

Surprise Surpise!!!

I was pleasantly surprised with my performance at the Suncoast Half in Lakewood Ranch yesterday.  I went into the race not expecting much and planned to run nice and easy at a 10 to 10:30 pace.  I lined up a little behind the 9 minute pace group at the start and was feeling fairly well, so I decided to stick with them as long as the legs felt fresh.  After about 5 miles I was still feeling fresh, I looked at my heart rate and surprisingly I was below 80% of my max, so I decided to pull ahead of the pace group and go it alone.  It was also at this time that I started to realize that I really needed to use the facilities!!!  I tried to think about anything but this new urge to wet my running shorts during the remainder of the run by concentrating on my breathing and using straight lines along the course to make the run as short as possible.  I almost stopped around mile 10, but a fellow runner beat me to the lone Porta Potty by mere seconds.  At this point water/Gatorade stops were no longer an option, due to my earlier liquid consumption that was seemingly about to come full circle and no doubt not as tasty this time on the way out.  Even with the bladder issues I was able to maintain a 8:50 pace for the next seven miles.  The final mile I managed to run an 8:30 pace, get a medal, and use a near by Porta Potty just in the nick of time.

Suncoast Half Marathon: 13.1miles, 1hr. 57min., 8:53pace, 1751 calories, 81% max heart rate.

In closing, this is half was among the best organized that I have ever participated in. The weather was perfect, close parking, awesome course, and the after party had a great spread, including cold beer.  A definite must do for local runners. I'll more than likely be back in 2014!!!  Run In Peace!!!

Looking for Answers!!!

A few questions that are stuck in my head that I feel like sharing in no particular order:

1. Why is my running partner getting faster each day, while I seem to get slower?

2. For that matter why is he losing weight, while I gain?

3. Is it possible to have a head wind in both directions when bike training?

4. Are the 3 available lanes, not counting the bike lanes, not enough room for a 2012 Mercedes at 5 A.M?

5. Does said Mercedes and or SCAT bus driver need to blow their horns while bumping my elbow on the way by?

6. Do all 10 year old boys know all the words to Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You UP"?

7. And can they dance FIERCELY to it?

8. Despite my 245 frame, am I completely invisible to all cars during my morning runs? You know who you are Lexus couple this morning that I slid across your hood "Bo Luke" style!!!

9. Should I let my wife, children, and all my friends know about my secret girlfriend?

10. Even if it's Mante Te'o late fake girlfriends sister?

Run In Peace!!! 

Promises Promises

Bless me blog land for I have sinned.  It has been one and a half years since my last check in.  If you don't believe me just look at the post below... Feel better now you doubting pr&#ks???  In that post, if you bothered to read it,  I promised that I would right something every week.  Well, I feel a little short so Back Off O.K!!!  I also was about 13 pounds lighter then.  Once again don't Judge!!!  For a wise man said, "those of you that live in fat houses, cast the first doughnut", or something like that.

Enough, I digress... The reason I have returned is to attempt to live up to the  promise I made a year and a half ago.  I have a new set of goals and I will share them with you now.

Running:  I plan on running 2 or 3 half marathons and 3 or 4 full marathons this year.

Halfs--- Lakewood Ranch, Sarasota and the Dirty South Half in Knoxville TN

Fulls--- Mammoth Marathons (in Idaho and Utah), Chicago and possibly the Dirty Double in Knoxville TN

Other--- Ringling Bridge, Keys 100 and I'm sure some Tri's

Thus far I'm only signed up for the Mammoth Marathon, which is going to be an exciting challenge for my fat ass!!!  The Mammoth Marathon takes place around Bear Lake, which is bordered by Idaho and Utah.  So on Friday I will running 26.2 miles around the Idaho half of the lake and on Saturday I will be enjoying the views along the 26.2 mile Utah side.  That's right folks 2 marathons in 2 days.  Convenient Huh!!!

Biking: Twice a week!!!

Cross Training: Three times a week!!!

Blogging:  Once a week!!!

Weight:  I want to get down to the teens.  Which for me means somewhere between 211 and 219!!!  That's only 34 pounds!!!  Secretly, I would love to get close to the 200 range. I'd also like to be a male prostitute, unfortunately I don't see that happening either!!!

Well I did folks!!! I completed my first blog of the year.  Pretty painless for me, very painless if your still reading!!!  Oh Well!!! High Five!!!

Run In Peace!!!

    

I'M BACK BITCHES!!!

It seems like just yesterday I was sharing my epic run through the Burrows of New York. On that fine Sunday morning I broke the 4hr. barrier which had been my "white whale" as far as goals in marathon running goes. After that tremendous feat, I initially had no interest in running much less blogging about running another marathon.

Funny thing happened though... I kept running!!!

In fact, since that momentous November day last year, I have ran 3 marathons, 1 half marathon, and a few 5K's. I ran the Disney Marathon as a training run, followed by the Miami Marathon, which I bettered my New York PR by a whole 30 seconds!!! Then came the Sarasota Half Marathon. I bettered my previous PR by 6 minutes averaging 8 minute miles for the entire 13 miles. Two weeks ago I challenged the hills of Vermont and survived despite the 2000' of elevation change during the 26 miles, not to mention over half of the race was ran on gravel roads.

Out of all the runs this year the Vermont race really got me out of the running funk I fell into. I am enjoying running again. Which in turn means I feel like blogging about it again. Which in turn means, if your reading this, you have to put up with my horrendous grammatical skills and maybe too honest descriptions of things I experience while running. Sucks for you!!!

I am going to attempt to blog once a week about what's on my mind and what challenges I plan on conquering next. Until then R.I.P. Run In Peace!!!