The blog you are about to read was actually written a few months ago. It has taken me this long to be able to share it with my hundreds, or maybe thousands of faithful readers world wide of my extraordinary tales. Before you read the story below please remember this may, or may not be a true story. So try not to judge. The following could happen to any one of you, although I truly hope it never does. Unless you happen to think the story is funny.
Fans of my first blog could tell you of my stomach related issues while running, and how I take great pride on keeping both my running shorts and record of consecutive runs without sharting myself clean (so to speak). Well, I'm proud to report I still have not technically experienced the dreaded "brown mile" while running. Unfortunately, I have had a close call though. All I can say is that it's my dentist fault.
It all happened a few months back on a warm summer morning around 4 AM. Unlike most morning runs, this morning I was scheduled to be at the dentist office by 7 AM for a teeth cleaning. I decided to change my morning routine and have my morning coffee pre-run instead of afterwards. My scheduled run was a 6 miler and after the coffee and a light stretch I was on the road at 4:30. All started out well as I headed on my usual northern route I lovingly call the "hooker express" along US41. My pace was great starting out, probably the effects of the early morning coffee boost. I was feeling great!!! Suddenly, a rumble began to occur in my stomach region. Not to fear this has happened to me on several occasions and I was well prepared for this. I have several known places along the "hooker express" to make pit stops for just this occasion, unfortunately I was already by my first option. I passed that at mile 1, it's the McDonald's on US41. My next option was a construction site another mile up the road. I made it to the construction site and found that the one port-o-let on site was currently occupied. Really!!! At 5 in the morning??? Talk about your eager construction workers. At this point, I was still not worried my next rest area was just another mile further. It's a hotel/motel that has always welcomed me in my time of need. Sadly, this was not my morning. After doing everything but breaking into the hotel, I could not find an un-locked door and the sign on the front office said closed until 6AM. Now I was Panicked!!!
Being at the half way point in my run I decided to turn back and hope the construction workers have finished with job #1, or 2 and I could finally deposit the evil that had built up inside me. I was no longer running. It was more of a run with intermittent walks whenever I thought the turtle head started to stick out to far. Imagine my surprise when I finally got back to the construction site to see that there was now a line for the one port-o-let. I felt like I was literally going to explode!!! I continued to head back hoping to make it to the McDonald's. With every step the pressure inside was building, and I now realized that I was not going to make it to the golden arches.
I spotted my salvation in the distance. It was a derelict building right beside the U-Haul dealer. One way or another this was going to have to be my final pit stop. I liked my primitive options as I had both the building and a small wooded area to choose from. I quickly choose a combination of both and squatted behind a large pine tree on the rear corner of the building facing the U-Haul building. I remember hoping the U-Haul company didn't have any outside cameras that may have caught my public display. Even if they did I wouldn't have cared. Both disgusted and relieved I finished my business and headed back towards the house. Upon arriving at the house I jumped in the shower still disgusted with myself. I couldn't get this experience out of my mind. I decided that maybe if I shared it with someone it would help in some way. So I told the wife. Now she's disgusted!!! I'm probably scarred for life!!!
So now I share it with all of you!!! I haven't felt so relieved since that day!!! Run In Peace!!!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Just When I was Getting Into A Groove!!!
As most of you know, I am training for my fifth marathon. It's November 7th in a little town in New York that some of you may be familiar with. Up to this point my training has gone swimmingly, maybe that should be runningly, since I don't swim particularly well. I knew there would be hiccups in my plan and am well aware that carrying my extremely large belly for 26.2 miles has always been my down fall. This time around, I fear the culprit could be the belly of someone else that ultimately fails me.
You see, this time around I not only have a running coach, I also have a boot camp instructor (strength coach). You may recall that a few posts back I had to apologize to her, because in my opinion, she grew larger each and every week. Turns out she's with child. My bad Mrs. Orange!!! Mrs. Orange's first name is actually Jacklin, (not really) and her significant others name is Justine (stage name at local strip bar). Let me just say, that the two make a beautiful couple and will both make great parents. I just hope that kid likes sumo squats and doing infinite sets of ab work. I also am confident that in no time this "Mini Sailor" will get her mom's Alma mater back into it's winning ways of days past.
Anywho... back to being selfish. It's seems "Mini Sailor" wants to make a guest appearance a little sooner than expected. Jacklin may have to spend time at home in bed eating Bon Bons, staying up late and watching Chelsea Lately on the boob tube.
Come on "Mini Sailor", give a fat man a break. Trust me, you want to stay in there as long as possible, ideally until the end of October. With your mother's help the past few months, I can almost see my feet now!!! I don't think I have the will power to do this alone Jacklin. I'm Weak!!! How about I set up a bed in the weight room, tape all the good late night shows and bring in some pickles and ice cream for you to enjoy while you continue to give me and the other losers direction? Sleep on it Jacklin!!! My future depends on it!!!
That's all for now!!! Run In Peace!!!
And in all seriousness to Jacklin, Justine and "Mini Sailor aka: Olivia, I wish you all the best!!!
You see, this time around I not only have a running coach, I also have a boot camp instructor (strength coach). You may recall that a few posts back I had to apologize to her, because in my opinion, she grew larger each and every week. Turns out she's with child. My bad Mrs. Orange!!! Mrs. Orange's first name is actually Jacklin, (not really) and her significant others name is Justine (stage name at local strip bar). Let me just say, that the two make a beautiful couple and will both make great parents. I just hope that kid likes sumo squats and doing infinite sets of ab work. I also am confident that in no time this "Mini Sailor" will get her mom's Alma mater back into it's winning ways of days past.
Anywho... back to being selfish. It's seems "Mini Sailor" wants to make a guest appearance a little sooner than expected. Jacklin may have to spend time at home in bed eating Bon Bons, staying up late and watching Chelsea Lately on the boob tube.
Come on "Mini Sailor", give a fat man a break. Trust me, you want to stay in there as long as possible, ideally until the end of October. With your mother's help the past few months, I can almost see my feet now!!! I don't think I have the will power to do this alone Jacklin. I'm Weak!!! How about I set up a bed in the weight room, tape all the good late night shows and bring in some pickles and ice cream for you to enjoy while you continue to give me and the other losers direction? Sleep on it Jacklin!!! My future depends on it!!!
That's all for now!!! Run In Peace!!!
And in all seriousness to Jacklin, Justine and "Mini Sailor aka: Olivia, I wish you all the best!!!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Beach Run Observations!!!
Yesterday I had six miles on my running schedule to conquer. Instead of waking in the early morning hours, I decided to tag along with my wife and run in the summer beach run that the Manasota Track Club does on Siesta Beach at 6:30P.M. The Club has a 1 mile fun run first for the kids, then a longer run that varies each week for the parental unit type to run after. Last nights run was a 4 miler, so I decided to run a warm up mile before the kids fun run, then run the mile with the kids, and lastly the 4 miles with my peers. This last group is the one that I feel I need to discuss further with all of you.
After running the first two miles, I joined the mostly adult crowd at the start line for the 4 miler. While waiting for the horn to sound there is really nothing to do but observe the fellow runners, freaky freaks, that have gathered around my waiting space. The following are the two that stuck out to me the most.
#1. Dudes in compression shorts(only): You know who you are. Hi dudes in compression shorts, how are you doing? Never mind, we can all see how your doing... Literally!!! Isn't it ironic that the acronym for dudes in compression shorts is DICS??? O.K. DICS maybe I'm just a wee bit jealous that although I too wear compression shorts, I'm not as confident "down stairs" as you are, and prefer to wear shorts over the top of them. That may be the real reason DICS are #1 on my list.
#2. Dude with the butterfly tattoo on the small of his back: Don't get me wrong it was sexy!!! It probably would have done more for me if it were, oh I don't know, on a WOMEN!!! Seriously, how drunk do you have to be to decide that this was a good idea? Was there a wager for a large sum of money that you just could not say no to? I mean really man, I tried to figure out how your wife or girlfriend would enjoy your body art. I mean during "business time" with her how does she even see it? Wait a minute, now I get it my friend, as you can see I'm a little slow!!! Let me end by letting you know I find your tat "Fierce". Party on girlfriend.
With that I'm out home fries!!! Remember to hydrate out there, and Run In Peace!!!
After running the first two miles, I joined the mostly adult crowd at the start line for the 4 miler. While waiting for the horn to sound there is really nothing to do but observe the fellow runners, freaky freaks, that have gathered around my waiting space. The following are the two that stuck out to me the most.
#1. Dudes in compression shorts(only): You know who you are. Hi dudes in compression shorts, how are you doing? Never mind, we can all see how your doing... Literally!!! Isn't it ironic that the acronym for dudes in compression shorts is DICS??? O.K. DICS maybe I'm just a wee bit jealous that although I too wear compression shorts, I'm not as confident "down stairs" as you are, and prefer to wear shorts over the top of them. That may be the real reason DICS are #1 on my list.
#2. Dude with the butterfly tattoo on the small of his back: Don't get me wrong it was sexy!!! It probably would have done more for me if it were, oh I don't know, on a WOMEN!!! Seriously, how drunk do you have to be to decide that this was a good idea? Was there a wager for a large sum of money that you just could not say no to? I mean really man, I tried to figure out how your wife or girlfriend would enjoy your body art. I mean during "business time" with her how does she even see it? Wait a minute, now I get it my friend, as you can see I'm a little slow!!! Let me end by letting you know I find your tat "Fierce". Party on girlfriend.
With that I'm out home fries!!! Remember to hydrate out there, and Run In Peace!!!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Half of the year review!!!
In true procrastinators fashion, I'm giving my huge reading audience a review of the first half of 2010 about one month late. Let's get right to the digits!!!
Training days: 117, Miles ran to date: 793.05, Training time: 140 hours, Calories burned: 109,163, Average speed: 5.7 mph, Average heart rate 126 bpm. Marathon's run 2, Half's 2, 5Ks 2.
I'm fairly satisfied with my training so far this year. The first three months I was racing like a mad man, in an attempt to run a sub-4hr. marathon. To no avail, I might add. At the end of March, burnt out from marathon training, I decided to re-evaluate my training. My running pace seemed to be fine, but something was holding me back from becoming a better runner. I discussed this with my running coach and together we came up with a new plan. It's a 3 tier plan.
First, I weighed myself. I expected that my weight would be some where around the two and a quarter mark, as it had been for most of 2009. If anything it would probably be a little less, having just ran 3 marathons and 2 half marathons in the past 4 months. Imagine my surprise when I first stepped on that scale to see 236 pounds!!! Holy Shit Bat Man!!! Obviously you can't eat anything you want just because you run. I must get to 200 pounds, or lower before my next marathon in November. So far so good, presently I'm at 213.5 pounds. That's 23 pounds!!! Suck It Jenny Craig!!!
The second thing I needed to do was build a better running base. I am doing this by using a heart rate monitor for the first time. I will tell you, at first this drove me crazy because it felt like I started running all over again. The paces I ran for the first couple of months were very slow, in fact some of my training runs were actually training walks. Recently, I adjusted my heart rate zones and I'm now just about back to my normal pace. I do feel that this slow progression has made me a better runner. It's probably too early to tell, but I can tell you I no longer sound like a Sleestack when I do intervals, or tempo runs.
Lastly, but not least. I must start attending boot camps twice a week. This will give me some much needed core and upper body work that I was definitely lacking. I was also told that it would be in my best interest to find an instructor that is very pregnant and seems to have a personnel vendetta on all things possessing a penis. Strangely, this was not as hard to find as one would think. I kid, honestly this has helped a great deal. I know under my remaining 12" of blubber there are some abs of steel ready to be unearthed any year now.
Well, I guess that's all for now... to all my fellow runners R.I.P!!!
Training days: 117, Miles ran to date: 793.05, Training time: 140 hours, Calories burned: 109,163, Average speed: 5.7 mph, Average heart rate 126 bpm. Marathon's run 2, Half's 2, 5Ks 2.
I'm fairly satisfied with my training so far this year. The first three months I was racing like a mad man, in an attempt to run a sub-4hr. marathon. To no avail, I might add. At the end of March, burnt out from marathon training, I decided to re-evaluate my training. My running pace seemed to be fine, but something was holding me back from becoming a better runner. I discussed this with my running coach and together we came up with a new plan. It's a 3 tier plan.
First, I weighed myself. I expected that my weight would be some where around the two and a quarter mark, as it had been for most of 2009. If anything it would probably be a little less, having just ran 3 marathons and 2 half marathons in the past 4 months. Imagine my surprise when I first stepped on that scale to see 236 pounds!!! Holy Shit Bat Man!!! Obviously you can't eat anything you want just because you run. I must get to 200 pounds, or lower before my next marathon in November. So far so good, presently I'm at 213.5 pounds. That's 23 pounds!!! Suck It Jenny Craig!!!
The second thing I needed to do was build a better running base. I am doing this by using a heart rate monitor for the first time. I will tell you, at first this drove me crazy because it felt like I started running all over again. The paces I ran for the first couple of months were very slow, in fact some of my training runs were actually training walks. Recently, I adjusted my heart rate zones and I'm now just about back to my normal pace. I do feel that this slow progression has made me a better runner. It's probably too early to tell, but I can tell you I no longer sound like a Sleestack when I do intervals, or tempo runs.
Lastly, but not least. I must start attending boot camps twice a week. This will give me some much needed core and upper body work that I was definitely lacking. I was also told that it would be in my best interest to find an instructor that is very pregnant and seems to have a personnel vendetta on all things possessing a penis. Strangely, this was not as hard to find as one would think. I kid, honestly this has helped a great deal. I know under my remaining 12" of blubber there are some abs of steel ready to be unearthed any year now.
Well, I guess that's all for now... to all my fellow runners R.I.P!!!
Friday, May 21, 2010
Role Models...Even 40 Year Old's Need Them!!!
Today is a special day for the Bennett household!!! My beautiful wife turns 40 today!!! While on my run today, I wondered what do you get a women who literally has everything??? I mean, I have already given her so much!!! As I continued to pound the pavement, I started to reminisce back to 22 years ago when Alisa and I first started to date. It was the end of our senior year of high school and the two of us would always kid that we were each others role models. Well, this morning I came to the realization that one of us was right. Unfortunately, for my one and only true love it's not her.
That's right beautiful, it's me!!! I am your role model!!! When I went away to college at the Harvard of the south, Southern Miss, you followed. When I became the tycoon of the construction industry, you just couldn't stay away. When I told you I didn't think it was a good idea for the two of us to procreate, you found some errant dude and made your own babies. Ironically, they both still resemble me a little. I started running, now you do too!!! See a pattern here!!!
So, on this glorious of all days, I say happy birthday to the women that I will always love!!! Being your role model for the past 22 years has been my pleasure, and I hope to continue to guide you for many more. Love Always!!!
BTW--- If you want to continue to follow me, I think the next thing I'm going to do is get breast implants!!! Just saying!!!
That's right beautiful, it's me!!! I am your role model!!! When I went away to college at the Harvard of the south, Southern Miss, you followed. When I became the tycoon of the construction industry, you just couldn't stay away. When I told you I didn't think it was a good idea for the two of us to procreate, you found some errant dude and made your own babies. Ironically, they both still resemble me a little. I started running, now you do too!!! See a pattern here!!!
So, on this glorious of all days, I say happy birthday to the women that I will always love!!! Being your role model for the past 22 years has been my pleasure, and I hope to continue to guide you for many more. Love Always!!!
BTW--- If you want to continue to follow me, I think the next thing I'm going to do is get breast implants!!! Just saying!!!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
No, #1 is not just my I.Q!!!
I know all my readers have been waiting to hear how the 5K went last Friday. Did I go fast? How does first overall male sound bitches? You heard right!!! Do you seriously still doubt me??? You can go here, http://www.girlsincsrq.org/ for further proof. Now that being a champion and "the one to catch" during races has finally soaked in, I thought I may share my tale of victory with my mere mortal readers.
It was hotter than a fox farting in a forest fire, as I arrived for the Girls On The Run 5K on Siesta Beach on Friday night. I began my pre-race routine of stretching, light jogging and visiting the restroom to rid myself of unnecessary baggage. I also used this time to size up my competition, which tonight looked liked a who's who of running pros. Just looking at the ferocity and hunger in many of the other runners eyes sent me on yet another trip to the restroom to calm my nerves.
A gentlemen soon announced that the runners needed to get in place for the beginning of the race. I positioned myself at the start line right behind a young female that looked like she may have ran before. The horn sounded and we were off. Much to my surprise after the first quarter of a mile there were only two people in front of me, a guy and the young female. I headed south down the beach side by side by some 16 year old punk. The heat was excruciating, my body was ready to quit. Being the champion that I am, I willed my body to keep the pace. Soon another young lady passed me and the 16 year old punk. At the 1st mile I began to catch the young lady and guy in front of me, the young punk began to fade. Right before the turn around I passed the guy and caught the young lady. The leader, (original young female) was already about a quarter of a mile ahead of us. That was the last time we would see her, however a new competitor arrived in the form of my red headed cousin, (RHC) for short.
About the 2 mile mark the young lady and my RHC were right in front of me. I decided to stay close behind and see what the two of them had left. My RHC started to struggle and the young lady began to pull away, I knew I needed to stay right behind her and wait for my opportunity to strike. The final stretch of the race was on loose sand and knew with my superior down force I would have the advantage. We hit the final stretch simultaneously and I made my move. As predicted, the young lady struggled to get footing and I motored by her. The crowd noise was deafening as I crossed the finish line. How I love the thrill of victory!!!
And what does an elite runner get for being the first male, (which is really the winner anyways, I mean didn't we have to give up a rib or something to create women???) to cross the finish line? A free pair of New Balance shoes!!! Not too shabby!!!
Now go run in peace my fellow, but way slower, running friends!!!
It was hotter than a fox farting in a forest fire, as I arrived for the Girls On The Run 5K on Siesta Beach on Friday night. I began my pre-race routine of stretching, light jogging and visiting the restroom to rid myself of unnecessary baggage. I also used this time to size up my competition, which tonight looked liked a who's who of running pros. Just looking at the ferocity and hunger in many of the other runners eyes sent me on yet another trip to the restroom to calm my nerves.
A gentlemen soon announced that the runners needed to get in place for the beginning of the race. I positioned myself at the start line right behind a young female that looked like she may have ran before. The horn sounded and we were off. Much to my surprise after the first quarter of a mile there were only two people in front of me, a guy and the young female. I headed south down the beach side by side by some 16 year old punk. The heat was excruciating, my body was ready to quit. Being the champion that I am, I willed my body to keep the pace. Soon another young lady passed me and the 16 year old punk. At the 1st mile I began to catch the young lady and guy in front of me, the young punk began to fade. Right before the turn around I passed the guy and caught the young lady. The leader, (original young female) was already about a quarter of a mile ahead of us. That was the last time we would see her, however a new competitor arrived in the form of my red headed cousin, (RHC) for short.
About the 2 mile mark the young lady and my RHC were right in front of me. I decided to stay close behind and see what the two of them had left. My RHC started to struggle and the young lady began to pull away, I knew I needed to stay right behind her and wait for my opportunity to strike. The final stretch of the race was on loose sand and knew with my superior down force I would have the advantage. We hit the final stretch simultaneously and I made my move. As predicted, the young lady struggled to get footing and I motored by her. The crowd noise was deafening as I crossed the finish line. How I love the thrill of victory!!!
And what does an elite runner get for being the first male, (which is really the winner anyways, I mean didn't we have to give up a rib or something to create women???) to cross the finish line? A free pair of New Balance shoes!!! Not too shabby!!!
Now go run in peace my fellow, but way slower, running friends!!!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
I wanna to go fast!!!
I was asked by an up and coming runner, lets call her Pizza Gift, if I worried that my slow running pace, as of late was going to effect my once rocket speed if and when I have to run a race again. Why yes Mrs. Gift, thanks to you my confidence as a runner is at an all time low. I now spend sleepless nights second guessing my training. Will I run fast again? Can I run fast again? The next time I do attempt to go fast will I die of a heart attack, barf , or worst of all, shit myself? The answers to all these questions will be answered tonight.
What happens tonight you ask? I am gonna go fast!!! Tonight at 6:00 P.M. I'll be running the New Balance Girls On the Run 5K on Siesta Beach. My current personnel best 5K is 23:18, which I ran back in March of this year. Since that race, in an attempt to lose weight, I have been training by heart rate zones. My average pace per mile during this time has probably been around 12 minutes. On my most recent long runs, I have been passed by a snail, a chubby chick on a scooter and my shadow got so bored it ran off . The good news is during this time I have managed to lose 12 pounds. Will the loss of weight help increase my speed even though I have done little to no interval training? We will soon find out.
Lastly, since I know Pizza Gift loves running quotes I thought I would close with a favorite of mine, that sums up the reason I run. "I run because it's my passion, and not just a sport. Every time I walk out the door, I know why I'm going where I'm going and I'm already focused on that special place where I find my peace and solitude. Running, to me, is more than just a physical exercise... it's a consistent reward for victory!" Run in peace homies!!!
What happens tonight you ask? I am gonna go fast!!! Tonight at 6:00 P.M. I'll be running the New Balance Girls On the Run 5K on Siesta Beach. My current personnel best 5K is 23:18, which I ran back in March of this year. Since that race, in an attempt to lose weight, I have been training by heart rate zones. My average pace per mile during this time has probably been around 12 minutes. On my most recent long runs, I have been passed by a snail, a chubby chick on a scooter and my shadow got so bored it ran off . The good news is during this time I have managed to lose 12 pounds. Will the loss of weight help increase my speed even though I have done little to no interval training? We will soon find out.
Lastly, since I know Pizza Gift loves running quotes I thought I would close with a favorite of mine, that sums up the reason I run. "I run because it's my passion, and not just a sport. Every time I walk out the door, I know why I'm going where I'm going and I'm already focused on that special place where I find my peace and solitude. Running, to me, is more than just a physical exercise... it's a consistent reward for victory!" Run in peace homies!!!
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