God Called, JB Did Not Answer!!!

Let’s go on another adventure into the future and visit a young JB at 9 years old. The setting is Oneco Elementary 4^th grade classroom. My teacher this year was Mrs. Allran. I would describe her as an older lady, I’m guessing at the time late 60’s. She also was permanently in a wheelchair, so maybe Allroll would have been a better last name. I kid!!!  I would describe myself at this time as a shy chubby kid that for the most part kept to myself and was very polite to my elders, especially those with authority. I’m sure if you asked my mother, she would describe me in another light. My guess is annoying oldest kid “allegedly” whose first language is spewing sarcasm. Once again, only a guess.

 

Any who, Mrs. Allran took a liking to me early on in 4^th grade and dare I say I was her favoritous kid ever. I know that’s not a word, but it should be!!! Just about every week I would be chosen as citizen of the week, much the chagrin of all the other poor 4^th grade fucks in my class. It got to the point that she would tell me and my mother that I was special and was destined for great things. She would even go as far as telling me that God would be calling on me because I was his miracle. At first, I just thought Mrs. Allran was going senile and thought I was Jesus and not Jason. I mean both names have 5 letters starting with a J and have Ss in them. Easy mistake to make right? Regardless, it was a bit uncomfortable being the chosen one and all, but I kind of dug it. Until it finally it was made perfectly clear that my dear teacher’s goal for me was that of a higher calling. That’s right folks, she thought that I was destined to be at least priest, maybe a cardinal, or hell maybe even Pope JB!!! HOLY SHIT!!! This realization brought me off my cloud quickly and back to normal 4^th grader JB really quick. Seriously, I haven’t even seen a live female breast yet. How can I think about being a man of the cloth.

 

Mrs. Allran was not aware of my dark side. At the ripe age of 7 I was already sticking the leftover toothpicks from the samples at Grand Union in loaves of bread. That had to ruin some family’s pasta night. Not exactly how God would dispose of his toothpick. But you know, Thug Life Bitches!!! Also, if Mrs. Allran knew in a few more years I’d be driving my drunk dad around town her, and God would probably frown upon this for sure. You know what, Pops needs to get to work and young JB gonna make it happen God. You know what I sayin???

 

As you can see, a split in the path was given to young JB and he had a choice. Path to the right, maybe someday Popedom and ultimately Heaven. Path to the left, sarcasm, gaslighting, worry, anxiousness, fear and maybe a few boobies. Mrs. Allran for me it was a tough choice, let god know JB Ain’t Home!!!

 

Love you Peeps!!!!

 

Plenty o' fucking questions!!!

Why did I disappear for an entire year from blog land???

Has my typing, use of punctuation or grammar in general gotten any more better???

How have I managed to become so fucking fat while I've been gone???

How is it possible that my running partner weighs exactly 100 pounds less than me???

Is it possible to run a half marathon and full marathon on consecutive days if you only train once a week???

Will I continue to use the word fuck in every third sentence???

Do I have OCD problem with the number 3, which may explain my odd use of ??? After every???

Am I still running??? And... If so, have I experienced the "brown mile" yet???

All this and much fucking less, will be explained soon!!!

Til then R.I.P. Run In Peace!!!

Surprise Surpise!!!

I was pleasantly surprised with my performance at the Suncoast Half in Lakewood Ranch yesterday.  I went into the race not expecting much and planned to run nice and easy at a 10 to 10:30 pace.  I lined up a little behind the 9 minute pace group at the start and was feeling fairly well, so I decided to stick with them as long as the legs felt fresh.  After about 5 miles I was still feeling fresh, I looked at my heart rate and surprisingly I was below 80% of my max, so I decided to pull ahead of the pace group and go it alone.  It was also at this time that I started to realize that I really needed to use the facilities!!!  I tried to think about anything but this new urge to wet my running shorts during the remainder of the run by concentrating on my breathing and using straight lines along the course to make the run as short as possible.  I almost stopped around mile 10, but a fellow runner beat me to the lone Porta Potty by mere seconds.  At this point water/Gatorade stops were no longer an option, due to my earlier liquid consumption that was seemingly about to come full circle and no doubt not as tasty this time on the way out.  Even with the bladder issues I was able to maintain a 8:50 pace for the next seven miles.  The final mile I managed to run an 8:30 pace, get a medal, and use a near by Porta Potty just in the nick of time.

Suncoast Half Marathon: 13.1miles, 1hr. 57min., 8:53pace, 1751 calories, 81% max heart rate.

In closing, this is half was among the best organized that I have ever participated in. The weather was perfect, close parking, awesome course, and the after party had a great spread, including cold beer.  A definite must do for local runners. I'll more than likely be back in 2014!!!  Run In Peace!!!

Looking for Answers!!!

A few questions that are stuck in my head that I feel like sharing in no particular order:

1. Why is my running partner getting faster each day, while I seem to get slower?

2. For that matter why is he losing weight, while I gain?

3. Is it possible to have a head wind in both directions when bike training?

4. Are the 3 available lanes, not counting the bike lanes, not enough room for a 2012 Mercedes at 5 A.M?

5. Does said Mercedes and or SCAT bus driver need to blow their horns while bumping my elbow on the way by?

6. Do all 10 year old boys know all the words to Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You UP"?

7. And can they dance FIERCELY to it?

8. Despite my 245 frame, am I completely invisible to all cars during my morning runs? You know who you are Lexus couple this morning that I slid across your hood "Bo Luke" style!!!

9. Should I let my wife, children, and all my friends know about my secret girlfriend?

10. Even if it's Mante Te'o late fake girlfriends sister?

Run In Peace!!! 

Promises Promises

Bless me blog land for I have sinned.  It has been one and a half years since my last check in.  If you don't believe me just look at the post below... Feel better now you doubting pr&#ks???  In that post, if you bothered to read it,  I promised that I would right something every week.  Well, I feel a little short so Back Off O.K!!!  I also was about 13 pounds lighter then.  Once again don't Judge!!!  For a wise man said, "those of you that live in fat houses, cast the first doughnut", or something like that.

Enough, I digress... The reason I have returned is to attempt to live up to the  promise I made a year and a half ago.  I have a new set of goals and I will share them with you now.

Running:  I plan on running 2 or 3 half marathons and 3 or 4 full marathons this year.

Halfs--- Lakewood Ranch, Sarasota and the Dirty South Half in Knoxville TN

Fulls--- Mammoth Marathons (in Idaho and Utah), Chicago and possibly the Dirty Double in Knoxville TN

Other--- Ringling Bridge, Keys 100 and I'm sure some Tri's

Thus far I'm only signed up for the Mammoth Marathon, which is going to be an exciting challenge for my fat ass!!!  The Mammoth Marathon takes place around Bear Lake, which is bordered by Idaho and Utah.  So on Friday I will running 26.2 miles around the Idaho half of the lake and on Saturday I will be enjoying the views along the 26.2 mile Utah side.  That's right folks 2 marathons in 2 days.  Convenient Huh!!!

Biking: Twice a week!!!

Cross Training: Three times a week!!!

Blogging:  Once a week!!!

Weight:  I want to get down to the teens.  Which for me means somewhere between 211 and 219!!!  That's only 34 pounds!!!  Secretly, I would love to get close to the 200 range. I'd also like to be a male prostitute, unfortunately I don't see that happening either!!!

Well I did folks!!! I completed my first blog of the year.  Pretty painless for me, very painless if your still reading!!!  Oh Well!!! High Five!!!

Run In Peace!!!

    

I'M BACK BITCHES!!!

It seems like just yesterday I was sharing my epic run through the Burrows of New York. On that fine Sunday morning I broke the 4hr. barrier which had been my "white whale" as far as goals in marathon running goes. After that tremendous feat, I initially had no interest in running much less blogging about running another marathon.

Funny thing happened though... I kept running!!!

In fact, since that momentous November day last year, I have ran 3 marathons, 1 half marathon, and a few 5K's. I ran the Disney Marathon as a training run, followed by the Miami Marathon, which I bettered my New York PR by a whole 30 seconds!!! Then came the Sarasota Half Marathon. I bettered my previous PR by 6 minutes averaging 8 minute miles for the entire 13 miles. Two weeks ago I challenged the hills of Vermont and survived despite the 2000' of elevation change during the 26 miles, not to mention over half of the race was ran on gravel roads.

Out of all the runs this year the Vermont race really got me out of the running funk I fell into. I am enjoying running again. Which in turn means I feel like blogging about it again. Which in turn means, if your reading this, you have to put up with my horrendous grammatical skills and maybe too honest descriptions of things I experience while running. Sucks for you!!!

I am going to attempt to blog once a week about what's on my mind and what challenges I plan on conquering next. Until then R.I.P. Run In Peace!!!

Does it take you longer than 4 hours???

I too used have this problem!!! But, by shedding some of my fatally fat fatty fat and training like a mad man, I now am able to run a sub-4 hour marathon. It wasn't easy though my friends. On November 7th I took to the streets of New York with 45,000 other maniacs and accomplished a goal that has eluded me in my first 4 attempts. What made this time different? This wasn't the easiest course to attempt a personnel best for sure. But, I made it happen dammit!!! Read on if you want the long drawn out version of my marathon experience.

It all started on a day much like today, just kidding... I woke up on November 7th at 5:30 A.M. and started my long run ritual, which I won't bore you with. I went down stairs around 6:00 A.M. and planned on walking to the subway a few blocks from the hotel after a brief stop at Dunkin Donuts for a large coffee. While exiting the hotel I noticed a fellow marathoner arguing with the front doormen about not having coffee and bananas available. The young lady was already at full marathon hype and letting the hotel know about it!!! I decided to stay out of the confrontation and keep to my plan. The Dunkin Donuts was approximately 3 blocks from the hotel, so in a couple minutes I arrived for some coffee goodness. Much to my surprise the excited young lady from the hotel was exiting the DD's as I entered. "I bet you are wondering how I beat you here aren't you", she said. That's exactly what I was wondering, I replied. "I have a car to take me down to the start of the race. Get your coffee and you can ride with me". This is when I knew that today was my day!!! I ordered my coffee, hopped in the car and off to the starting line we went. The car actually took Robin (my new friend) and I to the Staten Island Ferry. From there we had to get on a (you guessed it) ferry, and take that to the starting line on (right again) Staten Island. Once arriving on Staten Island, Robin and I were corralled on to a bus that drove us a few miles to the holding area for the blue wave starters at Fort Wadsworth, which is at the foot of the Verrazano Narrows Bridge. It was now 7:00 A.M. My marathon starting time was around 10:20 A.M. Plenty of time for my pre-race meal and several hundred trips to the port-o-lets. People watching is one of my favorite things to do, and the pre-marathon area could be among the most enjoyable. I lost track of time watching all the people of different shapes and sizes, and how all have their own way to prepare for whats to come. Before I knew it they were calling for my wave to head to the starting line.

The temperature was around 50 degrees and stayed about that for the entire run. My wave consisted of 15,000 runners. The elite runners, and first wave of 15,000 runners have already been running for 20 minutes by the time my wave crossed the starting line. The first 1.5 miles is a nice 300 feet run up the Verrazano Bridge, but since your shoulder to shoulder with all the other runners the incline isn't that noticeable. Before you know it your heading down the other side and entering into Brooklyn. Brooklyn was relatively flat and the crowds were 3 or 4 deep the entire 11 miles. These miles go by fast and I felt great during this stretch. I spent this part of the race with the 3:50 & 4:00 pace groups in sight and actually ran with the 4 hour group for a short time. Having felt the pain of losing a pace group I was happy to pull away from the 4 hour group at one of the water stops. Hoping to not see this group again.

Mile1: 9:31 Mile8: 9:02

Mile2: 8:08 Mile9: 8:57

Mile3: 8:34 Mile10: 8:43

Mile4: 8:41 Mile11: 9:03

Mile5: 8:47 Mile13: 8:47

Mile6: 8:49

Mile7: 8:58

Soon after mile 13 you cross the Pulaski Bridge which brings you into Queens for a quick 3 mile jaunt. Around mile 15 I hit my first road block of the race, the dreaded Queensboro Bridge. May I say after 15 miles of running this bitch of a bridge seems long and steep. I watched as the bridge turned many runners into walkers along the trip to the top. I could feel the tide starting to turn as the 3:50 pace group went flying by me on the descent of the bridge. I kept telling myself to keep moving my legs, it was just a phase. Only 10 more miles to go!!!

Mile14: 8:55 Mile15: 10:17 OUCH!!! Mile16: 12:03 YEE-OUCH!!!

Luckily for me, mile 17 had the most crowd support of the entire race. We were now in Manhattan and running up First Ave. and the streets were lined 7 deep on both sides with enthusiastic fans screaming and yelling words of support. This is where I saw Alisa for the first time which gave me renewed energy. The crowds made the hills and the next 4 miles go by quickly.

Mile17: 8:55 Back on Track!!! Mile18: 9:14 A little slow!!! Mile19: 9:14 Mile20: 9:17

At about mile 19.5 you head over the Willis Ave. Bridge and into the Bronx. Word of advice to future New York Marathon participants, if you feel like walking during the marathon feel free. Just don't start walking in the Bronx!!! These people are relentless!!! I witnessed several tired marathoners yelled at by the crowds in this area. "Get Running!!! We didn't come all the way from our houses to cheer on walkers!!!" Good thing only 1 mile of the course is in the Bronx and then its back to Manhattan.

Mile21: 9:07

Mile 22 through 24 take you south on Fifth Ave. and towards Central Park. At this point I knew I was close to my goal time, but didn't have a lot of banked time to spare. My upper legs were starting to cramp from the hills. To make matters worse all of mile 22 was uphill. Once again the crowd support was tremendous and kept me going. I overheard a lady beside me talking to her running partner "I can't make it, I need to stop!!!". Her partner told her to keep her legs moving stopping now to walk would be even worse than running. I too felt like stopping, but these timely words kept my legs moving up that long hill and into the entrance of Central Park.

Mile22: 9:36 Freaking Hills Mile23: 9:11 Mile24: 9:14

At mile 24 you enter Central Park and again the crowds are large and supportive. Mile 24 has a nice downhill section, which is where the 4 hour pacer pulled up beside me. Where in the hell did you come from 4 hour pacer dude??? As we I approached the bottom of the hill and mile 25 shoulder to shoulder with the 4 hour pacer, I saw Alisa again. This gave me another burst of energy and I started to pick up my pace a little. I put some distance between me and the 4 hour pacer and tried to draw as much strength from the crowd to keep a consistent pace. In the distance I could see the finish line, which of course was uphill for the last quarter of a mile. Finally, I reached the finish line and stopped my watch and quickly checked my time. 3:58:30!!! I was given my medal and blanket and tried to let the joy of my accomplishment sink in.

Mile25: 8:39 Yeah Baby!!! Mile26: 8:38 Suck it 4 hours!!!

The sinking in part didn't happen for some time, in fact this was the first of my 5 marathons that right after I was not ready to sign up for another. In fact, as I write this I'm still questioning if I have what it takes to do it again!!! It took me 1 year and 9 months and 5 marathons to reach my goal of a sub-4 hour marathon. Honestly, until I can find another goal to shoot for the marathon appeal is all but gone. As silly as it sounds, I thrive on the challenges the marathon has provided me for the past couple of years. Being a soon to be be forty year old, it's all I have left athletic wise to keep me competitive in any way... Looks like I need a new Goal!!!

Final results: 26.2 miles, 3hr. 58min. 30sec., 9:07 pace, 4,453 calories burned.

Run In Peace!!!