You Know What THEY say, They Are Not Making Any More Of It!!!

 

I assume you’ve heard this before. No? And who the fuck is THEY? I thought it was the lord almighty that created it. What I’m babbling about is land. And JB as of late got a hankering for some. My most beautiful and ultra intelligent wife would ask, “why in the fuck do you need land and what are going to do with it?”

 

Short answer, Whatever I Want!!! Below is a short list of other thoughts on what to do with my acreage.

 

Pass said land onto my children.

Start a fire. A BIG FIRE!!!

Shinrun-Yoku. Look it up lazy bastards, and you are welcome!!!

Hike.

Camp.

Climb trees.

Build a tree house.

Chop down trees. (With an ax and chain saw)

Shoot guns.

Star gaze.

Howl at moon.

Bird watch.

Roam property sans clothing.

Pee freely.

Get away from crazy world.

Hide from upcoming civil war. (I wish this was a joke)

Build a shipping container house.

Hunt for my own food.

Not worry about a damn thing. Or give a fuck about shit.

Ride on my side by side.

Ride on my skid steer.

Ride on my snow mobile.

Dig with my mini excavator. (bury cell phone)

Do adult things with always questioning wife. (occasionally)

Share and make memories with family and friends. (watch them bury their cell phones)

Drink good drinks.

Eat good food.

Cookout.

Enjoy the creatures that share the land with me. Deer, squirrels, porcupines skunks, chipmunks, occasional bear and hopefully a Moose!!!

 

Ohhhhh and most importantly, be sooooo in the moment that I forget that I ever had a worry or care in the world.

 

What are your wants? Needs? What would make your world better? Just having these written thoughts and sharing may be all I'll ever need. Because these are the things that consume and spark my mind when I not worrying or catastrophizing about uncontrollable and seemingly trivial things.

 

With that said, I apologize to my present neighbors if they happen to see me peeing off our dock. In my mind I’m in a dream that I'm among god’s creatures relieving myself on my vast imaginary property.

Lastly, my nights will never be the same without you Sush, when you were younger you wanted to fight and play all night and as you slowly aged you found new ways to attach yourself to my underarm, back, stomach and crotch while I attempted to sleep. RIP sweet little girl we will always miss you. 

 

God Called, JB Did Not Answer!!!

Let’s go on another adventure into the future and visit a young JB at 9 years old. The setting is Oneco Elementary 4^th grade classroom. My teacher this year was Mrs. Allran. I would describe her as an older lady, I’m guessing at the time late 60’s. She also was permanently in a wheelchair, so maybe Allroll would have been a better last name. I kid!!!  I would describe myself at this time as a shy chubby kid that for the most part kept to myself and was very polite to my elders, especially those with authority. I’m sure if you asked my mother, she would describe me in another light. My guess is annoying oldest kid “allegedly” whose first language is spewing sarcasm. Once again, only a guess.

 

Any who, Mrs. Allran took a liking to me early on in 4^th grade and dare I say I was her favoritous kid ever. I know that’s not a word, but it should be!!! Just about every week I would be chosen as citizen of the week, much the chagrin of all the other poor 4^th grade fucks in my class. It got to the point that she would tell me and my mother that I was special and was destined for great things. She would even go as far as telling me that God would be calling on me because I was his miracle. At first, I just thought Mrs. Allran was going senile and thought I was Jesus and not Jason. I mean both names have 5 letters starting with a J and have Ss in them. Easy mistake to make right? Regardless, it was a bit uncomfortable being the chosen one and all, but I kind of dug it. Until it finally it was made perfectly clear that my dear teacher’s goal for me was that of a higher calling. That’s right folks, she thought that I was destined to be at least priest, maybe a cardinal, or hell maybe even Pope JB!!! HOLY SHIT!!! This realization brought me off my cloud quickly and back to normal 4^th grader JB really quick. Seriously, I haven’t even seen a live female breast yet. How can I think about being a man of the cloth.

 

Mrs. Allran was not aware of my dark side. At the ripe age of 7 I was already sticking the leftover toothpicks from the samples at Grand Union in loaves of bread. That had to ruin some family’s pasta night. Not exactly how God would dispose of his toothpick. But you know, Thug Life Bitches!!! Also, if Mrs. Allran knew in a few more years I’d be driving my drunk dad around town her, and God would probably frown upon this for sure. You know what, Pops needs to get to work and young JB gonna make it happen God. You know what I sayin???

 

As you can see, a split in the path was given to young JB and he had a choice. Path to the right, maybe someday Popedom and ultimately Heaven. Path to the left, sarcasm, gaslighting, worry, anxiousness, fear and maybe a few boobies. Mrs. Allran for me it was a tough choice, let god know JB Ain’t Home!!!

 

Love you Peeps!!!!

 

Plenty o' fucking questions!!!

Why did I disappear for an entire year from blog land???

Has my typing, use of punctuation or grammar in general gotten any more better???

How have I managed to become so fucking fat while I've been gone???

How is it possible that my running partner weighs exactly 100 pounds less than me???

Is it possible to run a half marathon and full marathon on consecutive days if you only train once a week???

Will I continue to use the word fuck in every third sentence???

Do I have OCD problem with the number 3, which may explain my odd use of ??? After every???

Am I still running??? And... If so, have I experienced the "brown mile" yet???

All this and much fucking less, will be explained soon!!!

Til then R.I.P. Run In Peace!!!

Surprise Surpise!!!

I was pleasantly surprised with my performance at the Suncoast Half in Lakewood Ranch yesterday.  I went into the race not expecting much and planned to run nice and easy at a 10 to 10:30 pace.  I lined up a little behind the 9 minute pace group at the start and was feeling fairly well, so I decided to stick with them as long as the legs felt fresh.  After about 5 miles I was still feeling fresh, I looked at my heart rate and surprisingly I was below 80% of my max, so I decided to pull ahead of the pace group and go it alone.  It was also at this time that I started to realize that I really needed to use the facilities!!!  I tried to think about anything but this new urge to wet my running shorts during the remainder of the run by concentrating on my breathing and using straight lines along the course to make the run as short as possible.  I almost stopped around mile 10, but a fellow runner beat me to the lone Porta Potty by mere seconds.  At this point water/Gatorade stops were no longer an option, due to my earlier liquid consumption that was seemingly about to come full circle and no doubt not as tasty this time on the way out.  Even with the bladder issues I was able to maintain a 8:50 pace for the next seven miles.  The final mile I managed to run an 8:30 pace, get a medal, and use a near by Porta Potty just in the nick of time.

Suncoast Half Marathon: 13.1miles, 1hr. 57min., 8:53pace, 1751 calories, 81% max heart rate.

In closing, this is half was among the best organized that I have ever participated in. The weather was perfect, close parking, awesome course, and the after party had a great spread, including cold beer.  A definite must do for local runners. I'll more than likely be back in 2014!!!  Run In Peace!!!

Looking for Answers!!!

A few questions that are stuck in my head that I feel like sharing in no particular order:

1. Why is my running partner getting faster each day, while I seem to get slower?

2. For that matter why is he losing weight, while I gain?

3. Is it possible to have a head wind in both directions when bike training?

4. Are the 3 available lanes, not counting the bike lanes, not enough room for a 2012 Mercedes at 5 A.M?

5. Does said Mercedes and or SCAT bus driver need to blow their horns while bumping my elbow on the way by?

6. Do all 10 year old boys know all the words to Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You UP"?

7. And can they dance FIERCELY to it?

8. Despite my 245 frame, am I completely invisible to all cars during my morning runs? You know who you are Lexus couple this morning that I slid across your hood "Bo Luke" style!!!

9. Should I let my wife, children, and all my friends know about my secret girlfriend?

10. Even if it's Mante Te'o late fake girlfriends sister?

Run In Peace!!! 

Promises Promises

Bless me blog land for I have sinned.  It has been one and a half years since my last check in.  If you don't believe me just look at the post below... Feel better now you doubting pr&#ks???  In that post, if you bothered to read it,  I promised that I would right something every week.  Well, I feel a little short so Back Off O.K!!!  I also was about 13 pounds lighter then.  Once again don't Judge!!!  For a wise man said, "those of you that live in fat houses, cast the first doughnut", or something like that.

Enough, I digress... The reason I have returned is to attempt to live up to the  promise I made a year and a half ago.  I have a new set of goals and I will share them with you now.

Running:  I plan on running 2 or 3 half marathons and 3 or 4 full marathons this year.

Halfs--- Lakewood Ranch, Sarasota and the Dirty South Half in Knoxville TN

Fulls--- Mammoth Marathons (in Idaho and Utah), Chicago and possibly the Dirty Double in Knoxville TN

Other--- Ringling Bridge, Keys 100 and I'm sure some Tri's

Thus far I'm only signed up for the Mammoth Marathon, which is going to be an exciting challenge for my fat ass!!!  The Mammoth Marathon takes place around Bear Lake, which is bordered by Idaho and Utah.  So on Friday I will running 26.2 miles around the Idaho half of the lake and on Saturday I will be enjoying the views along the 26.2 mile Utah side.  That's right folks 2 marathons in 2 days.  Convenient Huh!!!

Biking: Twice a week!!!

Cross Training: Three times a week!!!

Blogging:  Once a week!!!

Weight:  I want to get down to the teens.  Which for me means somewhere between 211 and 219!!!  That's only 34 pounds!!!  Secretly, I would love to get close to the 200 range. I'd also like to be a male prostitute, unfortunately I don't see that happening either!!!

Well I did folks!!! I completed my first blog of the year.  Pretty painless for me, very painless if your still reading!!!  Oh Well!!! High Five!!!

Run In Peace!!!

    

I'M BACK BITCHES!!!

It seems like just yesterday I was sharing my epic run through the Burrows of New York. On that fine Sunday morning I broke the 4hr. barrier which had been my "white whale" as far as goals in marathon running goes. After that tremendous feat, I initially had no interest in running much less blogging about running another marathon.

Funny thing happened though... I kept running!!!

In fact, since that momentous November day last year, I have ran 3 marathons, 1 half marathon, and a few 5K's. I ran the Disney Marathon as a training run, followed by the Miami Marathon, which I bettered my New York PR by a whole 30 seconds!!! Then came the Sarasota Half Marathon. I bettered my previous PR by 6 minutes averaging 8 minute miles for the entire 13 miles. Two weeks ago I challenged the hills of Vermont and survived despite the 2000' of elevation change during the 26 miles, not to mention over half of the race was ran on gravel roads.

Out of all the runs this year the Vermont race really got me out of the running funk I fell into. I am enjoying running again. Which in turn means I feel like blogging about it again. Which in turn means, if your reading this, you have to put up with my horrendous grammatical skills and maybe too honest descriptions of things I experience while running. Sucks for you!!!

I am going to attempt to blog once a week about what's on my mind and what challenges I plan on conquering next. Until then R.I.P. Run In Peace!!!

Does it take you longer than 4 hours???

I too used have this problem!!! But, by shedding some of my fatally fat fatty fat and training like a mad man, I now am able to run a sub-4 hour marathon. It wasn't easy though my friends. On November 7th I took to the streets of New York with 45,000 other maniacs and accomplished a goal that has eluded me in my first 4 attempts. What made this time different? This wasn't the easiest course to attempt a personnel best for sure. But, I made it happen dammit!!! Read on if you want the long drawn out version of my marathon experience.

It all started on a day much like today, just kidding... I woke up on November 7th at 5:30 A.M. and started my long run ritual, which I won't bore you with. I went down stairs around 6:00 A.M. and planned on walking to the subway a few blocks from the hotel after a brief stop at Dunkin Donuts for a large coffee. While exiting the hotel I noticed a fellow marathoner arguing with the front doormen about not having coffee and bananas available. The young lady was already at full marathon hype and letting the hotel know about it!!! I decided to stay out of the confrontation and keep to my plan. The Dunkin Donuts was approximately 3 blocks from the hotel, so in a couple minutes I arrived for some coffee goodness. Much to my surprise the excited young lady from the hotel was exiting the DD's as I entered. "I bet you are wondering how I beat you here aren't you", she said. That's exactly what I was wondering, I replied. "I have a car to take me down to the start of the race. Get your coffee and you can ride with me". This is when I knew that today was my day!!! I ordered my coffee, hopped in the car and off to the starting line we went. The car actually took Robin (my new friend) and I to the Staten Island Ferry. From there we had to get on a (you guessed it) ferry, and take that to the starting line on (right again) Staten Island. Once arriving on Staten Island, Robin and I were corralled on to a bus that drove us a few miles to the holding area for the blue wave starters at Fort Wadsworth, which is at the foot of the Verrazano Narrows Bridge. It was now 7:00 A.M. My marathon starting time was around 10:20 A.M. Plenty of time for my pre-race meal and several hundred trips to the port-o-lets. People watching is one of my favorite things to do, and the pre-marathon area could be among the most enjoyable. I lost track of time watching all the people of different shapes and sizes, and how all have their own way to prepare for whats to come. Before I knew it they were calling for my wave to head to the starting line.

The temperature was around 50 degrees and stayed about that for the entire run. My wave consisted of 15,000 runners. The elite runners, and first wave of 15,000 runners have already been running for 20 minutes by the time my wave crossed the starting line. The first 1.5 miles is a nice 300 feet run up the Verrazano Bridge, but since your shoulder to shoulder with all the other runners the incline isn't that noticeable. Before you know it your heading down the other side and entering into Brooklyn. Brooklyn was relatively flat and the crowds were 3 or 4 deep the entire 11 miles. These miles go by fast and I felt great during this stretch. I spent this part of the race with the 3:50 & 4:00 pace groups in sight and actually ran with the 4 hour group for a short time. Having felt the pain of losing a pace group I was happy to pull away from the 4 hour group at one of the water stops. Hoping to not see this group again.

Mile1: 9:31 Mile8: 9:02

Mile2: 8:08 Mile9: 8:57

Mile3: 8:34 Mile10: 8:43

Mile4: 8:41 Mile11: 9:03

Mile5: 8:47 Mile13: 8:47

Mile6: 8:49

Mile7: 8:58

Soon after mile 13 you cross the Pulaski Bridge which brings you into Queens for a quick 3 mile jaunt. Around mile 15 I hit my first road block of the race, the dreaded Queensboro Bridge. May I say after 15 miles of running this bitch of a bridge seems long and steep. I watched as the bridge turned many runners into walkers along the trip to the top. I could feel the tide starting to turn as the 3:50 pace group went flying by me on the descent of the bridge. I kept telling myself to keep moving my legs, it was just a phase. Only 10 more miles to go!!!

Mile14: 8:55 Mile15: 10:17 OUCH!!! Mile16: 12:03 YEE-OUCH!!!

Luckily for me, mile 17 had the most crowd support of the entire race. We were now in Manhattan and running up First Ave. and the streets were lined 7 deep on both sides with enthusiastic fans screaming and yelling words of support. This is where I saw Alisa for the first time which gave me renewed energy. The crowds made the hills and the next 4 miles go by quickly.

Mile17: 8:55 Back on Track!!! Mile18: 9:14 A little slow!!! Mile19: 9:14 Mile20: 9:17

At about mile 19.5 you head over the Willis Ave. Bridge and into the Bronx. Word of advice to future New York Marathon participants, if you feel like walking during the marathon feel free. Just don't start walking in the Bronx!!! These people are relentless!!! I witnessed several tired marathoners yelled at by the crowds in this area. "Get Running!!! We didn't come all the way from our houses to cheer on walkers!!!" Good thing only 1 mile of the course is in the Bronx and then its back to Manhattan.

Mile21: 9:07

Mile 22 through 24 take you south on Fifth Ave. and towards Central Park. At this point I knew I was close to my goal time, but didn't have a lot of banked time to spare. My upper legs were starting to cramp from the hills. To make matters worse all of mile 22 was uphill. Once again the crowd support was tremendous and kept me going. I overheard a lady beside me talking to her running partner "I can't make it, I need to stop!!!". Her partner told her to keep her legs moving stopping now to walk would be even worse than running. I too felt like stopping, but these timely words kept my legs moving up that long hill and into the entrance of Central Park.

Mile22: 9:36 Freaking Hills Mile23: 9:11 Mile24: 9:14

At mile 24 you enter Central Park and again the crowds are large and supportive. Mile 24 has a nice downhill section, which is where the 4 hour pacer pulled up beside me. Where in the hell did you come from 4 hour pacer dude??? As we I approached the bottom of the hill and mile 25 shoulder to shoulder with the 4 hour pacer, I saw Alisa again. This gave me another burst of energy and I started to pick up my pace a little. I put some distance between me and the 4 hour pacer and tried to draw as much strength from the crowd to keep a consistent pace. In the distance I could see the finish line, which of course was uphill for the last quarter of a mile. Finally, I reached the finish line and stopped my watch and quickly checked my time. 3:58:30!!! I was given my medal and blanket and tried to let the joy of my accomplishment sink in.

Mile25: 8:39 Yeah Baby!!! Mile26: 8:38 Suck it 4 hours!!!

The sinking in part didn't happen for some time, in fact this was the first of my 5 marathons that right after I was not ready to sign up for another. In fact, as I write this I'm still questioning if I have what it takes to do it again!!! It took me 1 year and 9 months and 5 marathons to reach my goal of a sub-4 hour marathon. Honestly, until I can find another goal to shoot for the marathon appeal is all but gone. As silly as it sounds, I thrive on the challenges the marathon has provided me for the past couple of years. Being a soon to be be forty year old, it's all I have left athletic wise to keep me competitive in any way... Looks like I need a new Goal!!!

Final results: 26.2 miles, 3hr. 58min. 30sec., 9:07 pace, 4,453 calories burned.

Run In Peace!!!

"BLACK and BLUE"

Hurry guys, I hear there's a large gorilla on display in the theatre district!!! What could possibly go wrong???


Ahhh... Finally, I can begin tapering for the big day which is now less than two weeks away. I started training for this marathon back in March and to date have ran 150 times for 180hrs, 49minutes, and 6 seconds at an average speed of 5.7mph. During that time I have logged 1026.73miles and burned 140,643calories. But who's counting??? Last Saturday I ran my longest training run ever (21miles) at 8:55pace. That's about 10 seconds faster than I will need to run the 26.2, if I want to run a sub-4hr marathon. Will I finally reach my goal on the fifth attempt??? Let's look at the pros and cons...


Pros:

1.) I have been well trained by two extraordinary coaches, thanks to Richard and Jackie. Without both of you I would still be sitting on the couch watching the T.V. using my belly as a place to set my food plate.

2.) I am 22 pounds lighter than I was in February. This should help for obvious reasons.

3.) After 4 marathons I have a familiarity for what to expect. Trust me, it really is the last six miles that's the real test.

4.) Mentally I'm stronger. Unless I have an unforeseen injury, or I wake up with the green apple squirts on race day my body will not be able talk my brain into quitting along the course ever again.

5.) My race day outfit and shoes are "Fabulous"!!! They match my theme for this race. Black and Blue, like the course will be after I tear it up on November 7th.

6.) Crowd support, there will be close two million people along the marathon route cheering the approximate 45,000 runners on.


Cons:

1.) Heat and humidity...I don't think this will happen, but caused me to cramp at mile 20 right here in Sarasota in 2009!!!

2.) Hills...Downfall at Philly last year, after a great first half I walked a good portion of the second half. My thighs felt shredded to the point where I couldn't get myself to run!!!

3.) Severe cold...Ironically, slowed me down at Disney. Running the half the day before probably hurt a little also!!!

4.) Exhaustion... Running Philly in Nov, Disney half and full in Jan., and then Ft. Lauderdale in Feb. was just too much for my body to recover from. I was looking good in Ft. Lauderdale and on pace for a sub-4 until mile 20, the legs went away and I sadly watched the 4 hour pacer run by me and off into the sunset. I finished in 4:07, my best finish to date, yet the hardest one to get out of my mind. The agony, to be six miles from my goal and to watch it slip away!!!

I hear mixed opinions on how past races should be viewed. Some say... forget about them, the past is the past. Others say... let them be lessons to learn from. I think both have there merits. I believe I learn and experience something from each and every run I've taken. While all may not be great experiences, they are experiences none the less. This is how I plan on treating the New York Marathon next weekend. Just another running experience... That leaves either myself, or the course Black an Blue. Hopefully the latter!!!

Run In Peace!!!

How many people = 1 car???

28 days away until marathon #5!!! Let the self doubt begin!!!

Did I train hard enough??? Were my long runs long enough??? Will I start out too fast and fade along the hills of New York City, much like I did in Philly last year??? Will the colder temperatures do me in??? Will I be able to find a restroom before I shit myself??? Can I break 4 hours on a course that says to add approximately 10 to 15 minutes to your best marathon time due to the difficulty of the course??? Will dropping plus or minus 21 pounds since my last marathon help me break through the 4 hour barrier??? Are there any other fatally obese people running this race??? If so, will it cause the bridge pictured above to collapse sending all of us to our untimely deaths???

All these questions will be answered soon enough!!! Stay tuned and Run in Peace!!!

What Motivates Me???

See the dude in the black hat??? That will be yours truly in another 29 days 7 hours 2 minutes and 27 seconds. The above picture is the start of the New York Marathon crossing the Verrazano Bridge from Staten Island into Manhattan. I use this photo for motivation and visualization on the days when I don't feel like hitting the pavement in the morning. This photo is etched in my mind, and I know somewhere around this planet one of the 40,000 plus runners is out there training hard to meet, or beat their goals come November 7th. Frankly, that's what motivates me!!!

Speaking of motivation... Next week I am participating in my first ever half marathon relay as part of team "Friends of Mike Hunt". The competition seems to be fierce!!! My lovely wife and her running partner Pizza Gift are entered. Actually, Mrs. Gift is the only member of her team that actually still runs since my wife has been plagued with a bum heal since her race in Cali. Word on the street is she will be racing her leg of the race in one of those Rascal scooters.

Our other local competition is team "Mike Hunts on Fire". This upstart team may be the team to beat. There are rumours that one of the teammates runs 4 minute miles, or is it that they have only ran 4 miles? I've also been told that this team can talk the talk and has big balls. Hopefully the wearer of the pants on that team will let the other have his, balls that is, back so he can run his leg of the race.

My alleged lover from January's "Disney Under The Covers Gate" will also be running the race with what we all think is her gay landscaper. Unfortunately, we don't see them as much of threat due to the lush landscaping around the parks and the proximity of homo beer will likely slow the landscaper down during his leg.

Mrs. Gift and my partner's (race partner not lover, not there's anything wrong with that) daughter will also be running with a local running group. They will probably kick all our asses.

There is also a large contingency of runners from the Clermont area. I choose not to make fun of them because I don't know all of them well. I can say that they know my wife and Mrs. Gift very well, so how good of characters can they be??? Just saying!!!

I am very proud of all the long hours "Friends of Mike Hunt" have put in training for this race. Hell, today makes a full week for my partner!!! Congratulations!!! He peaked today with a 5 miler and I believe he is now ready to start his well deserved taper going into race week!!! We are collectively ready to kick some ass!!! And come race day that's all our competition is going to see!!! Team "Friends of Mike Hunt's" backs and shiny white asses!!!

That's all for now!!! Run in Peace!!!

Multiple Partners!!!

For the past three wonderful years Sarasota has been everything a guy could ask for in a (running) partner. She's definitely easy on the eyes. I love the feel of her moist embrace in the early morning hours as I zip up and down her nicely manicured landscape. And even though she's a bit on the flat side, she does have a couple of man made hills that I have taking a liking to. Sure I have to share her with multiple partners. Just last week there were several of us trying to conquer her man made hills at one time. Luckily, there is enough of Sarasota to go around and quite frankly I'm not the jealous type.

Hopefully Sarasota feels the same, because I found a new (running) partner .

My new running partner is about a four hour car trip North and a totally different world than my lovely hometown. Her name is Steinhatchee. She's everything Sarasota's not. She's mysterious and dark. Dare I say a little on the trashy side. During my brief stay I only got to experience what she had to offer a couple of times, but I have to say "ME LIKEY". I liked the way she moved underneath me as I tried to take in her surroundings. Unlike Sarasota, Steinhatchee has more of a natural feel. There is nothing man made about her. Her hills, while not huge, seem to be a symmetrical fit to her setting. I also enjoyed the fact that during my two encounters with Steinhatchee she gave me her undivided attention. No longer did I feel like I was sharing something special with several people. Inside Steinhatchee I felt like family. Kinda like a twice removed third cousin, I can hardly wait to experience what she has to offer again.

Until then, Run In Peace!!!

U-HAUL....I DUMP!!!

The blog you are about to read was actually written a few months ago. It has taken me this long to be able to share it with my hundreds, or maybe thousands of faithful readers world wide of my extraordinary tales. Before you read the story below please remember this may, or may not be a true story. So try not to judge. The following could happen to any one of you, although I truly hope it never does. Unless you happen to think the story is funny.

Fans of my first blog could tell you of my stomach related issues while running, and how I take great pride on keeping both my running shorts and record of consecutive runs without sharting myself clean (so to speak). Well, I'm proud to report I still have not technically experienced the dreaded "brown mile" while running. Unfortunately, I have had a close call though. All I can say is that it's my dentist fault.

It all happened a few months back on a warm summer morning around 4 AM. Unlike most morning runs, this morning I was scheduled to be at the dentist office by 7 AM for a teeth cleaning. I decided to change my morning routine and have my morning coffee pre-run instead of afterwards. My scheduled run was a 6 miler and after the coffee and a light stretch I was on the road at 4:30. All started out well as I headed on my usual northern route I lovingly call the "hooker express" along US41. My pace was great starting out, probably the effects of the early morning coffee boost. I was feeling great!!! Suddenly, a rumble began to occur in my stomach region. Not to fear this has happened to me on several occasions and I was well prepared for this. I have several known places along the "hooker express" to make pit stops for just this occasion, unfortunately I was already by my first option. I passed that at mile 1, it's the McDonald's on US41. My next option was a construction site another mile up the road. I made it to the construction site and found that the one port-o-let on site was currently occupied. Really!!! At 5 in the morning??? Talk about your eager construction workers. At this point, I was still not worried my next rest area was just another mile further. It's a hotel/motel that has always welcomed me in my time of need. Sadly, this was not my morning. After doing everything but breaking into the hotel, I could not find an un-locked door and the sign on the front office said closed until 6AM. Now I was Panicked!!!

Being at the half way point in my run I decided to turn back and hope the construction workers have finished with job #1, or 2 and I could finally deposit the evil that had built up inside me. I was no longer running. It was more of a run with intermittent walks whenever I thought the turtle head started to stick out to far. Imagine my surprise when I finally got back to the construction site to see that there was now a line for the one port-o-let. I felt like I was literally going to explode!!! I continued to head back hoping to make it to the McDonald's. With every step the pressure inside was building, and I now realized that I was not going to make it to the golden arches.

I spotted my salvation in the distance. It was a derelict building right beside the U-Haul dealer. One way or another this was going to have to be my final pit stop. I liked my primitive options as I had both the building and a small wooded area to choose from. I quickly choose a combination of both and squatted behind a large pine tree on the rear corner of the building facing the U-Haul building. I remember hoping the U-Haul company didn't have any outside cameras that may have caught my public display. Even if they did I wouldn't have cared. Both disgusted and relieved I finished my business and headed back towards the house. Upon arriving at the house I jumped in the shower still disgusted with myself. I couldn't get this experience out of my mind. I decided that maybe if I shared it with someone it would help in some way. So I told the wife. Now she's disgusted!!! I'm probably scarred for life!!!

So now I share it with all of you!!! I haven't felt so relieved since that day!!! Run In Peace!!!

Just When I was Getting Into A Groove!!!

As most of you know, I am training for my fifth marathon. It's November 7th in a little town in New York that some of you may be familiar with. Up to this point my training has gone swimmingly, maybe that should be runningly, since I don't swim particularly well. I knew there would be hiccups in my plan and am well aware that carrying my extremely large belly for 26.2 miles has always been my down fall. This time around, I fear the culprit could be the belly of someone else that ultimately fails me.

You see, this time around I not only have a running coach, I also have a boot camp instructor (strength coach). You may recall that a few posts back I had to apologize to her, because in my opinion, she grew larger each and every week. Turns out she's with child. My bad Mrs. Orange!!! Mrs. Orange's first name is actually Jacklin, (not really) and her significant others name is Justine (stage name at local strip bar). Let me just say, that the two make a beautiful couple and will both make great parents. I just hope that kid likes sumo squats and doing infinite sets of ab work. I also am confident that in no time this "Mini Sailor" will get her mom's Alma mater back into it's winning ways of days past.

Anywho... back to being selfish. It's seems "Mini Sailor" wants to make a guest appearance a little sooner than expected. Jacklin may have to spend time at home in bed eating Bon Bons, staying up late and watching Chelsea Lately on the boob tube.
Come on "Mini Sailor", give a fat man a break. Trust me, you want to stay in there as long as possible, ideally until the end of October. With your mother's help the past few months, I can almost see my feet now!!! I don't think I have the will power to do this alone Jacklin. I'm Weak!!! How about I set up a bed in the weight room, tape all the good late night shows and bring in some pickles and ice cream for you to enjoy while you continue to give me and the other losers direction? Sleep on it Jacklin!!! My future depends on it!!!

That's all for now!!! Run In Peace!!!

And in all seriousness to Jacklin, Justine and "Mini Sailor aka: Olivia, I wish you all the best!!!

Beach Run Observations!!!

Yesterday I had six miles on my running schedule to conquer. Instead of waking in the early morning hours, I decided to tag along with my wife and run in the summer beach run that the Manasota Track Club does on Siesta Beach at 6:30P.M. The Club has a 1 mile fun run first for the kids, then a longer run that varies each week for the parental unit type to run after. Last nights run was a 4 miler, so I decided to run a warm up mile before the kids fun run, then run the mile with the kids, and lastly the 4 miles with my peers. This last group is the one that I feel I need to discuss further with all of you.

After running the first two miles, I joined the mostly adult crowd at the start line for the 4 miler. While waiting for the horn to sound there is really nothing to do but observe the fellow runners, freaky freaks, that have gathered around my waiting space. The following are the two that stuck out to me the most.

#1. Dudes in compression shorts(only): You know who you are. Hi dudes in compression shorts, how are you doing? Never mind, we can all see how your doing... Literally!!! Isn't it ironic that the acronym for dudes in compression shorts is DICS??? O.K. DICS maybe I'm just a wee bit jealous that although I too wear compression shorts, I'm not as confident "down stairs" as you are, and prefer to wear shorts over the top of them. That may be the real reason DICS are #1 on my list.

#2. Dude with the butterfly tattoo on the small of his back: Don't get me wrong it was sexy!!! It probably would have done more for me if it were, oh I don't know, on a WOMEN!!! Seriously, how drunk do you have to be to decide that this was a good idea? Was there a wager for a large sum of money that you just could not say no to? I mean really man, I tried to figure out how your wife or girlfriend would enjoy your body art. I mean during "business time" with her how does she even see it? Wait a minute, now I get it my friend, as you can see I'm a little slow!!! Let me end by letting you know I find your tat "Fierce". Party on girlfriend.

With that I'm out home fries!!! Remember to hydrate out there, and Run In Peace!!!

Half of the year review!!!

In true procrastinators fashion, I'm giving my huge reading audience a review of the first half of 2010 about one month late. Let's get right to the digits!!!

Training days: 117, Miles ran to date: 793.05, Training time: 140 hours, Calories burned: 109,163, Average speed: 5.7 mph, Average heart rate 126 bpm. Marathon's run 2, Half's 2, 5Ks 2.

I'm fairly satisfied with my training so far this year. The first three months I was racing like a mad man, in an attempt to run a sub-4hr. marathon. To no avail, I might add. At the end of March, burnt out from marathon training, I decided to re-evaluate my training. My running pace seemed to be fine, but something was holding me back from becoming a better runner. I discussed this with my running coach and together we came up with a new plan. It's a 3 tier plan.

First, I weighed myself. I expected that my weight would be some where around the two and a quarter mark, as it had been for most of 2009. If anything it would probably be a little less, having just ran 3 marathons and 2 half marathons in the past 4 months. Imagine my surprise when I first stepped on that scale to see 236 pounds!!! Holy Shit Bat Man!!! Obviously you can't eat anything you want just because you run. I must get to 200 pounds, or lower before my next marathon in November. So far so good, presently I'm at 213.5 pounds. That's 23 pounds!!! Suck It Jenny Craig!!!

The second thing I needed to do was build a better running base. I am doing this by using a heart rate monitor for the first time. I will tell you, at first this drove me crazy because it felt like I started running all over again. The paces I ran for the first couple of months were very slow, in fact some of my training runs were actually training walks. Recently, I adjusted my heart rate zones and I'm now just about back to my normal pace. I do feel that this slow progression has made me a better runner. It's probably too early to tell, but I can tell you I no longer sound like a Sleestack when I do intervals, or tempo runs.

Lastly, but not least. I must start attending boot camps twice a week. This will give me some much needed core and upper body work that I was definitely lacking. I was also told that it would be in my best interest to find an instructor that is very pregnant and seems to have a personnel vendetta on all things possessing a penis. Strangely, this was not as hard to find as one would think. I kid, honestly this has helped a great deal. I know under my remaining 12" of blubber there are some abs of steel ready to be unearthed any year now.

Well, I guess that's all for now... to all my fellow runners R.I.P!!!

Role Models...Even 40 Year Old's Need Them!!!

Today is a special day for the Bennett household!!! My beautiful wife turns 40 today!!! While on my run today, I wondered what do you get a women who literally has everything??? I mean, I have already given her so much!!! As I continued to pound the pavement, I started to reminisce back to 22 years ago when Alisa and I first started to date. It was the end of our senior year of high school and the two of us would always kid that we were each others role models. Well, this morning I came to the realization that one of us was right. Unfortunately, for my one and only true love it's not her.

That's right beautiful, it's me!!! I am your role model!!! When I went away to college at the Harvard of the south, Southern Miss, you followed. When I became the tycoon of the construction industry, you just couldn't stay away. When I told you I didn't think it was a good idea for the two of us to procreate, you found some errant dude and made your own babies. Ironically, they both still resemble me a little. I started running, now you do too!!! See a pattern here!!!

So, on this glorious of all days, I say happy birthday to the women that I will always love!!! Being your role model for the past 22 years has been my pleasure, and I hope to continue to guide you for many more. Love Always!!!


BTW--- If you want to continue to follow me, I think the next thing I'm going to do is get breast implants!!! Just saying!!!

No, #1 is not just my I.Q!!!

I know all my readers have been waiting to hear how the 5K went last Friday. Did I go fast? How does first overall male sound bitches? You heard right!!! Do you seriously still doubt me??? You can go here, http://www.girlsincsrq.org/ for further proof. Now that being a champion and "the one to catch" during races has finally soaked in, I thought I may share my tale of victory with my mere mortal readers.

It was hotter than a fox farting in a forest fire, as I arrived for the Girls On The Run 5K on Siesta Beach on Friday night. I began my pre-race routine of stretching, light jogging and visiting the restroom to rid myself of unnecessary baggage. I also used this time to size up my competition, which tonight looked liked a who's who of running pros. Just looking at the ferocity and hunger in many of the other runners eyes sent me on yet another trip to the restroom to calm my nerves.

A gentlemen soon announced that the runners needed to get in place for the beginning of the race. I positioned myself at the start line right behind a young female that looked like she may have ran before. The horn sounded and we were off. Much to my surprise after the first quarter of a mile there were only two people in front of me, a guy and the young female. I headed south down the beach side by side by some 16 year old punk. The heat was excruciating, my body was ready to quit. Being the champion that I am, I willed my body to keep the pace. Soon another young lady passed me and the 16 year old punk. At the 1st mile I began to catch the young lady and guy in front of me, the young punk began to fade. Right before the turn around I passed the guy and caught the young lady. The leader, (original young female) was already about a quarter of a mile ahead of us. That was the last time we would see her, however a new competitor arrived in the form of my red headed cousin, (RHC) for short.

About the 2 mile mark the young lady and my RHC were right in front of me. I decided to stay close behind and see what the two of them had left. My RHC started to struggle and the young lady began to pull away, I knew I needed to stay right behind her and wait for my opportunity to strike. The final stretch of the race was on loose sand and knew with my superior down force I would have the advantage. We hit the final stretch simultaneously and I made my move. As predicted, the young lady struggled to get footing and I motored by her. The crowd noise was deafening as I crossed the finish line. How I love the thrill of victory!!!

And what does an elite runner get for being the first male, (which is really the winner anyways, I mean didn't we have to give up a rib or something to create women???) to cross the finish line? A free pair of New Balance shoes!!! Not too shabby!!!

Now go run in peace my fellow, but way slower, running friends!!!

I wanna to go fast!!!

I was asked by an up and coming runner, lets call her Pizza Gift, if I worried that my slow running pace, as of late was going to effect my once rocket speed if and when I have to run a race again. Why yes Mrs. Gift, thanks to you my confidence as a runner is at an all time low. I now spend sleepless nights second guessing my training. Will I run fast again? Can I run fast again? The next time I do attempt to go fast will I die of a heart attack, barf , or worst of all, shit myself? The answers to all these questions will be answered tonight.

What happens tonight you ask? I am gonna go fast!!! Tonight at 6:00 P.M. I'll be running the New Balance Girls On the Run 5K on Siesta Beach. My current personnel best 5K is 23:18, which I ran back in March of this year. Since that race, in an attempt to lose weight, I have been training by heart rate zones. My average pace per mile during this time has probably been around 12 minutes. On my most recent long runs, I have been passed by a snail, a chubby chick on a scooter and my shadow got so bored it ran off . The good news is during this time I have managed to lose 12 pounds. Will the loss of weight help increase my speed even though I have done little to no interval training? We will soon find out.

Lastly, since I know Pizza Gift loves running quotes I thought I would close with a favorite of mine, that sums up the reason I run. "I run because it's my passion, and not just a sport. Every time I walk out the door, I know why I'm going where I'm going and I'm already focused on that special place where I find my peace and solitude. Running, to me, is more than just a physical exercise... it's a consistent reward for victory!" Run in peace homies!!!

An apology to my boot camp instructor!!!

During my last post I may have accidentally insinuated that my boot camp instructor seemed to be getting larger and larger every week. Word on the street is that said instructor, (Let's call her Mrs. Orange to keep her anonymous) may in fact be with child. My bad Mrs. Orange!!! Please don't take anything that I've been accused of saying by fellow classmates out on me. The class as a whole are bunch of lying conniving thugs that can not be trusted. They are the types that would steal ham out of their relatives refrigerator, or push old grandma down the stairs for pure entertainment. The two of us are much better people Mrs. Orange.

I think it's because we have so much in common. Take our names for instance. Your first name starts with a J, so does mine. Your last name starts with a B, what do you know, mine does too. We are both natural blonde's, intelligent and respected in our community. Our father's are both great teachers. Yours on the baseball diamond and mine is teaching the world that the F bomb is just not a 4 letter word. Lastly, and most similar is our abdominal area. True most people prefer a six pack. But, why have a six pack when you can have the whole keg. Know what I'm saying!!! I kid Mrs. Orange, I'm a kidder!!!

In closing, I have to say your class brings me great pleasure. I can't get enough reverse thrust squats, air out your crotch areas and my favorite sumo squats. Thanks to you the morning after our Monday and Wednesday workouts, (beat downs) I'm sore in places I didn't even know I had. For that Mrs. Orange I am thankful, even though the rest of the class really hates you.

On a running note: 7 miles, lighting fast 1 hour 30 minutes, 761 calories, average heart rate 1.8.
R.I.P.